Parrot Guy

I delivered an order to a man this week who had a pet parrot that would repeat everything said. The customer actually kept telling the parrot to shut up, like that was going to do any good. The transaction went something like this:


Me: Good evening, sir. Your total is $32.25.

Parrot: Good evening sir. Your total is $32.25: SQUAWK!

Customer: Shut up you damn bird!

Parrot: Shut up you damn bird!

Customer: Sorry 'bout the bird.

Parrot: Whistle, chirp, sorry 'bout the bird.

Me: That bird is hilarious.

Parrot:That bird is hilarious: SQUAWK!

Customer: That bird is annoying.

Parrot: That bird is annoying.

Customer: SHUT UP!

Parrot: Shut up.

Customer: Here's the payment; did you bring red peppers?

Parrot: Here's the payment; did you bring red peppers?

Me: Sure did.

Parrot: Sure did. Whistle chirp whistle.

Me: Thank you sir. Have a great night.

Parrot: Thank you sir. Have a great night. SQUAWK!



Crash "Rancid Trash" Dazzlin

A Threesome and More Boobage!

There have been two more deliveries recently which were particularly exciting. The first was at the Nines Hotel, where I delivered to a threesome. Some lucky guy had two women in his hotel bed! The other awesome delivery was to the Boom Boom Room, one of Portland's many nude dancer bars. I extended my shift to make that delivery! Upon leaving the Boom Boom Room, I thought about how awesome it was that I just got paid to go in a booby bar. There is no need for me to ever tip dancers again. I will just bring them pizza, and they will tip me! I love this job!


Crash "Beer Bash" Dazzlin

I See Boobage!

I recently returned from a two week vacation in the Caribbean with a newfound mojo. Since getting back to work, two women have flashed their boobs to me on deliveries. Both of them said they had read my blog. There is a big fat clue that I need to keep this blog going.

You know what else is cool? The women who show their boobs tip above average. I love this job!


Crash "The Mad Dash" Dazzlin

Getting Towed and Getting Hired

There's bad news and good news this week for me in pizza delivery. The bad news is that the Hot Lips pizza truck was towed from a location where I parked it Monday night. The good news is that I have finally rounded up a much needed second job, as Bellagio's Pizza has hired me.

So about the bad news first. On returning to the Hot Lips store in the delivery vehicle, I faced a downtown Portland parking challenge. The store that allows us a parking space in their lot after business hours had not closed yet, so I continued driving towards the loading zone I often use. There was no room in it, as it was occupied by a car and two large moving trucks. Therefore, I continued towards the other loading zone by PGE Stadium. There was space there, but there were signs notifying that the zone was only for vehicles conducting business with PGE Park. So instead of doing a cumbersome three point turn in a zone I was uncertain about, I simply pulled into the small parking lot of the shopping center across from the Kingston Grill. Certainly the businesses there would have no problem with a Hot Lips employee using one of their spaces for a short time. Right?

Some time later, a man reported to us that there was a tow truck preparing to tow our delivery vehicle. I sprinted to the parking lot, and our truck was still there, but I was unable to persuade the towers to release it.

I feared what the consequences would be for me. I have since been notified that I am expected to reimburse Hot Lips for the cost of towing through payroll deduction. That was a costly fuck-up. Fortunately, it didn't cost me the job.

On to the good news, I will also be delivery driving four shifts a week for the Bellagio's on SW Barbur Blvd. I went there today to fill out paperwork. Tomorrow I will return for training. I heard they compensate well on the gasoline/maintenance stipend, which is important, since I will have to use my own vehicle there. Hopefully, I won't get it towed too!


Crash “The Atomic Flash” Dazzlin

Business is Picking Up

The past few nights have seen me doing more deliveries; I am happy. Sales and tips are up also at the new Hot Lips.

Tonight was a night of records. Tonight showed the most deliveries I have run in one shift for Hot Lips, the most tips I have taken home from one shift at Hot Lips, and what may have been the largest tip I have ever received anywhere. The reason I am unsure about the last record is due to the fact I never saw how much we drivers were tipped for the $2,000 order we delivered to the PSU Smith Center in November.

Speaking of tipping, Hot Lips customers are really good about that. I do not think I have gone tipless on any delivery yet at the new Hot Lips. We employees at Hot Lips depend on good tips, as we split the tips among all employees sharing a shift. Without good tippage, we live awfully close to minimum-wage-ville.

So Kudos to those well-tipping Hot Lips customers. You have class!


Crash "Diaper Rash" Dazzlin

Beer Has Arrived at Hot Lips and Other News

Since my last posting, my location of Hot Lips has earned major cool points. Why? Because we now have beer! There is wine also. OLCC has finally given us the green light on alcohol sales. We are finding that selling beer and wine helps the flow of revenue. The tip jar hasn't suffered from beer either.

Civic Hot Lips employees were invited to two parties Saturday night, but I could only make one comfortably after work. I chose the one that was a birthday celebration for "Pizza Ninja". The night before had been my birthday, so we were celebrating together, you could say.

Today, bad news was delivered to me (no pun intended) on the pizza front. It seems that I am not allowed to pick up lunch shifts at my neighborhood Papa John's. The manager there wants to hire me, but his boss will not allow it. Why? Because I work for Hot Lips in the evenings, which is seen as a "conflict of interest". Frankly, I see it as a strength. I drive overlapping delivery area five nights a week, making me familiar with the area, and I constantly garner delivery experience.

So tomorrow, I will go back to Bellagio's. Please, please hire me!


Crash "Cold Cash" Dazzlin

Alcohol Server Training: YAY!

How Oregonian it is to have a golden retriever roaming a classroom to get pats and scratches from all of the trainees! That was the scene yesterday as I sat in the alcohol server training course that the Oregon Liquor Control Commission requires employees in the service industry take to be fully licensed to serve alcohol.

I had dragged my ass out of bed at a single digit AM hour to drive to Beaverton for the course. And since all the caffeine in the world would not perk me up, I found myself holding my eyelids open with my fingertips until the pampered canine would walk by seeking my attention. Since a co-worker told me the class was only about 1 1/2 hours long, I was looking forward to knocking out tasks that needed done today, and maybe still having time for a quick catnap before work. When the instructor mentioned that the course would go beyond 2:30, I nearly shit a brick! There go my plans for the day!

So there was no downtime between the class and work. But the course is out of the way now! For what point, I am not sure, as the Civic Hot Lips has not even started serving alcohol yet. I'm told that we are waiting for the OLCC to grant the licensing. Meanwhile, I hear it asked daily when we will get beer. Come on OLCC; let there be beer at Hot Lips Pizza!


Crash "Monster Mash" Dazzlin